Recently on a LWJ&A, we were asked for advice on how to deal with life when it gets hard. The listener in question had recently dealt with simultaneously losing their job, their long term partner, and having to care for their mother who had just been diagnosed with leukemia. By anyone's standards, that is a LOT to have going on in one's life.
Now, if you are perfectly happy and content in your life, regardless of your spiritual or reasoned outlook on life, hey, this post probably isn't for you. I'm not trying to talk you into or out of anything, and I'm not looking to debate anybody. On the other hand, if you're lost and looking for a sign post to point out some possible paths ahead of you that you might not have been aware of, read on...
I spent the first 25ish years of my life being a sincerely devoted evangelical Christian. I then spent another 7 or so sliding down from Christian, to Deist, to Agnostic, to Atheist, the latter of which I've remained for some since. I've keenly felt at times in my life that a strictly material view of the universe just doesn't offer a lot of hope and insight into how to deal with difficult situations. There seems to be a giant gap between accurately and precisely describing the way things actually are, and how we should feel about these facts. Science and reason can tell us what chemicals our bodies and brains release to make us feel things, and hypothesis what evolutionary processes made these things desirable from a survival standpoint. It so far has not and perhaps cannot tell us how to help our monkey brains preoccupied with slaking thirst, satiating hunger, and spreading our genes while dodging larger, stronger predators across the savanna process our modern life of skyscrapers, deadlines, and fiat currency in any kind of healthy way.
For that, we can turn to philosophy, spirituality, and religion. Since most of my audience is going to be familiar with the religious options of the Western world, I'm going to leave explorations of Christianity, Judaism, Islam to those interested. Instead, I'm going to talk about branches of western and eastern philosophies and spirituality that you might not be familiar with and that has helped, and is currently helping, me deal with shit when shit gets heavy.
First, a common objection among those who use reason and science and healthy skepticism about the world, "isn't this just a bunch of woo that people use to cope?" Woo, here, being the shorthand for unscientific, spiritual, "ooga booga" type nonsense. Perhaps you could see these things as a crutch. But if you need a crutch, due to some inborn condition, chronic illness, or acute injury... you need a crutch. No one should look down on someone who makes use of one. I mean, sure, I suppose if we had perfect health care, a fair world, fully developed senses of reason and empathy, and several hundred thousand years of further evolution, we wouldn't need crutches, physical or otherwise, to get by. But until we get there, I for one am glad to have the support of anything useful to lean on.
Secondly, I'm very strongly against "woo". However, affirmations, meditation, breathing exercises, definitely felt like "woo" when I started it. Despite that fact, not only are there reams of scientific evidence collected in the past 50 years that demonstrate their value and efficacy, I am happy to report anecdotally that they've helped me a great deal. They worked even when I didn't really "believe" that they would. I first tried them just as a way to get my therapist to shut up about it, and yet, what started off half-hearted and silly quickly became serious and sincere.
I've also since then dabbled in things that I never thought I'd take seriously as Christian or Atheist. For example, you might have heard me and Jim advocate that if you are on the horns of a dilemma, trying to decide upon some binary choice, flipping a coin can tell you a lot about how you "feel" about a decision. If you were trying to decide between Burger King and Taco Bell, flip a coin! Heads BK, tails TB. And when you observe the coin's state, you will feel some type of way about it. Relieved, disappointed, excited... your mouth may water or your stomach may churn. Either way you might discover that you have stronger feelings about the options than you were aware of at first. And hey, if you are truly ambivalent about the coin flip, go with the coin! Problem solved.
A few years back a good friend started messing with a deck of Tarot cards. I let him do a reading on me mainly to humor him. But as he was giving me a reading, I started to grasp what use this could be beyond the metaphysical. I was having all kinds of feelings about the things he was telling me, from "yeah right", to "man, I hope not" to "that would be awesome if true". It was telling me a lot about how I felt about things in my past, present and future. Note that I don't think it can tell me anything about my past or future in some mystical, fate kind of way. But it could tell me about how I was feeling about things that I wasn't consciously aware of, or even thought enough to think about. After all, what is a Tarot deck reading but multiple flips of a 78-sided coin? That realization lead me to get my own Tarot deck which I use from time to time as a meditating too, to help me think about how my life is going in a structured way. But that's just an example, and a blog post all to itself.
Awhile back a friend of mine turned me on to Sam Harris's "Waking Up". Yeah, I know! That Sam Harris! That's exactly what I said! Understand, I have many profound differences with Harris on a lot of topics, but I can also recognize that we also share a lot of common ground, and he has genuine neuroscience bona fides, in his area of expertise I have no problem listening to what he has to say. And in this book, he does a series investigation into spiritual practices and their scientific underpinnings. I really like how he writes and expresses his thoughts in a clear, conversational, and easy to understand manner. And if you're skeptical about how spiritual practices can be incorporated into an material outlook on life than I can't think of a better book. In fact, I struggle to think of any other book that approaches the subject matter from this position and in this way. If you're reluctant to explore the other topics in this post, and you're currently looking for answers to life, it's meaning, and why it's crap at times, start here. What can it hurt?
There are two directions we can go with this; look to the wisdom of the West, or the wisdom of the East. Let's start with what is more familiar to the majority of my audience, the wisdom of the West.
Stoicism. Stoics have a bad rap of late, because the term has gotten associated with a kind of grim-faced masculinity that doesn't acknowledge, address, and often suppresses emotional and physical pain. But I think that's a too easy dismissal of a philosophy that has endured for almost 2500 years. I think stoicism is primed to make a huge comeback as life gets harder for more people, and I for one believe life is probably going to get a lot tougher on average before it gets any easier.
One of the neat things about stoicism is that it doesn't prize wealth, success, or power, and rejects that any of these are necessary for a well-lived life. Instead, stoicism promotes living according to basic virtues that anyone can cultivate: wisdom, courage, moderation, and justice. It also prizes living in harmony with nature, the nature of ourselves as conscious animals, as well as the natural order that includes delicious food, the warmth of the sun, the pleasure of a cool bath, as well as natural disasters, sickness, and famine.
One place to start your exploration of stoicism is the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius. The version I just linked is by Gregory Hays, which isn't the first version I read, but it is a great one, and seems to be by a wide consensus the top translation of today. If you're anything like me, you will be amazed at how often the thoughts ring true and relevant of the supreme leader of the most powerful Empire of the time, written almost 2,000 years ago. His doubts, hopes, and prescriptions feel modern and relatable. It's an excellent guide on how to develop and manifest discipline, humility, and strength of character. And hey, you don't have to take my word for it. Noted 3C Badass Arnold Schwarzenegger is a big fan too.
Another great companion to this is the Enchiridion by Epictetus. Epictetus was separated from Marcus Aurelius by some 200 years and an even larger gulf in station. Epictetus was enslaved, while Aurelius was Emperor. It always amazes me how similar their outlook was, and equally useful their virtues were at achieving happiness and contentment with life. As such, I think these two make very good bookends to an introduction of stoicism. I would be amazed to have someone read these and not come away with multiple insights into their lives, as well as tips and practices they could adopt to live life better.
However, in the past few years I've increasingly felt more connected to the wisdom of the East. A therapist recommended to me "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron after I went through a series of reversals and personal disasters that left me unsure of how to move at all, let alone how to move forward. Chodron is a Tibetan Buddist nun, and her advice at first seems counter-intuitive. Most of us are conditioned to move away and protect ourselves from pain and suffering. And yet, as pain and suffering is a part of life, doing so can often stunt our personal growth and cut us off from a wide spectrum of healthy human experiences that avoided leaves life feeling empty and devoid of meaning. The work she advocates for, developing genuine love for oneself, compassion for our own pain and thus the pain of others, and finding ways to order our disordered lives through meditation and other spiritual practices is extremely useful for modern day life.
Another book I have found incredibly useful of late is the Tao Te Ching by Laozi, translated by Stephen Mitchell. This is a book that you can read in a little over an hour but ponder the rest of your life. There are 81 chapters that are roughly one page long, and I've found it useful to begin and end each day by reading one and meditating on it's meaning for ten minutes or so. The Tao emphasizes doing more by doing less, not resisting the natural flow of life, not be too attached with either success or failure. He teaches us that we are not the contents of our mind, we are not the sum total of our experiences and information, instead we are the being of pure awareness and presence that observes the mind. He advocates constant emptying of oneself; letting go of attachment to states such as happiness, pleasure, satisfaction, and desire, and through meditation training our awareness to have an objective view of the contents of our mind, undisturbed by the outside judgements and expectations of others.
I will say that you have to go into this one with an open mind. The Tao is often contradictory and paradoxical in nature. It is radically different than religious dogmas that try to harmonize and paper over differences and self-contradiction, or logical philosophies that prize consistency over width and depth. Laozi begins the Tao by saying "The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao." This will not stop the man from spitting over 5,000 words telling us about that Tao. Wrestling with these contradictions are a part of life. We weep in times of extreme happiness. We laugh in times of extreme hardship. The Tao that works on you in weakness might be the very same eternal Tao that works on you in strength, but your relationship to it and duties and obligations to yourself and to the world will be very different, and so are the lessons in which you'll need to learn. When we let go of desire, we can glimpse the mysteries of the Tao. When we embrace desire, we can see the Tao manifest in life. Would we be content with understanding the mystery of life without tangible rewards? Would we live life to its fullest of we remain ignorant of the mystery?
Reading any one translation of these texts could be considered a good start. But it is extremely rewarding to view multiple translations to really explore their nuances and meanings and gain a firmer grasp of the material, and get a good idea of where the translators bias and approaches end and the original authors thoughts begin. In general, I've gone with editions and translations that prize applicability and easy of approach over literal accuracy. The NIV translation of the Bible is easier to approach than the King James, which is much easier than the original Aramaic, Greek, and Hebrew. Serious students of the Bible will consult many different translations and commentaries, the same applies here.
I make no claims to be an expert in any of these texts. I first read Marcus Aurelius in my early 20s, I just started exploring the Tao this year in my late 40s. As we are all arriving at a common destination, where is not the most important consideration. Our paths on the journey is all that matters, and I've found these to be useful companions on my path. Perhaps you will too.